My house is starting to be filled up with animals.

Meet shayla and boyboy in their beautiful glass tank with a mushroom house, a pink castle and a wheel that doesn’t squeak. =)

Rayyan went for his field trip to the fish farm and got back 2 goldfish.

Meet George and Albert. Yes, my brother named the bigger fish George and the smaller one Albert. He was deciding on Batman and Robin but decided against it.

So George and Albert it is. They are now sitting in a less then decorated glass bowl propped on our coffee table right in front of the telly set.

The glass bowl once housed Lucy, my faithful goldfish that departed away in 2 weeks cause i overfed her. [i dont know how to tell the difference btw a guy and a girl and christened her with a female name anyways. heh. ] Affter a week, having fed her 3 times a day and changed the water once every day propelled her to do weird acrobatic moves in the water, preferring to float belly up at the top of the water, bopping around aimlessly rather than finning about IN the water.

It was terrifying at first glance. I thought she was dead, so i poked her belly with a pen into the water, she finned for 3 seconds before doing a somersault and promptly return back to her favourite belly-up position.

Then one day, her eyes turned dull and i poked her 3 times but she didnt do her 3 seconds fin. So, into the rubbish chute she went.

Poor Lucy.

People feel the need to lie all the time. People pretend to be happy because nobody likes when a person is real.Everybody claims they like a real person but they like the opposite. Sometimes they say i like her because she’s real, when in reality they like her better when she’s telling them something that they want to hear. People are really miserable being something they’re not but no one will dare step out of place. No one will be themselves so much as to give a two hoots about what anybody says. The world is full of rules and regulations.

I have always found myself pleasing others on a regular basis. I am sure many of you can relate to this. Having to please your parents, entering the school of their choice, taking up the subjects that they see as perfect and it goes on. Dressing up to their liking eventhough you hate the silly pink frock and the flower-printed mary-janes. I did things i did not like, going to places i never wanted to go. It’s like putting up an act that never ends. When you’re out with your friends and they want to eat at a place you do not fancy, you go along to please them. Sometimes i try to be honest to myself eventhough that does not please anybody else but me. I call that selfish. I think it is plain selfish for someone to think that the world is their centre stage and thinks it’s all about them.

With that in mind, i suppose pleasing people has been integrated into my life. It is running through my blood, seeping through my skin. Over the years, i have cultivated a way to enjoy doing it. I feel a sense of satisfaction when i get to please others.

Lately however, i feel dampened. What bothers me is that i start pleasing people but i dont get anything in return. In short, my needs are not met. As much as i vehemently tried to deny that i do not want anything in return, it is rather painful when you see another person gets what she wants and then not give me a second look or not evan care to make me feel good about myself.

I think alot of people do not care much about my beliefs, attitudes or feelings when it comes to people pleasing. Like when your friend’s shoes are hurting her feet and you offer to switch footwear. There you look at her happily walking down the street while your feet are aching now and you feel dejected that she does not even bother to say thank you or ask “are you doing ok with those shoes?” [this brings me to this afternoon's episode. once again, sha and phoebe, thank you for exchanging footwear. i know i have asked countless of times whether they were hurting your feet and despite a unison no, i know it does. =) but thank you. i appreciate it so very much. i kept asking shahidah how she's coping till she snapped and said "it's fine lydia! i am walking!" I think that is me. I feel selfish to think entirely about myself. Period.]

So i suppose with that mindset, it startles me when people get the wrong idea about me. To put it simply, that I’m trying to win them over by doing these things. I am not. And it pains me because i think i’ve just been labelled an untrue person. On top of which, it is extremely scary because i think that is who i am. I have been shaken quite badly. I do not know my next move and cannot seem to design a conversation anymore. I am afraid to speak cause what if my words seem fake. I am afraid to be nice cause what if i am unable to do it sincerely. I’ve always thought that if you’re sincere in doing something, it will show. I have just been shown otherwise.

Actually, i am so afraid to do anything now. Afraid to speak, afraid to walk, afraid to laugh, afraid to smile. I have always thought that a smile is a curve that straightenes everything out.

People are full of contradictions. They are. I do not like dogs but yet i find some species adorable. I love talking to a huge audience yet still feel petrified when i’m on the stage. I do not enjoy soft drinks but i need one when i’m on a plane. I do not eat chili but am fine with spicy food.

Does these microscopic differences in me make me a very bad person? Does it mean i am untrue to myself? Does it mean i’m schizophrenic?

I am really shaken up. I was told i am not true. But i thought that was me.

So what do i do now.

Should i stop coming down to Starbucks to please them with countless of my antics and stories which in turns pleases me? Because it seems like i’m trying to win them over? Should i stop inviting adam for dinner at my place cause it pleases him and i enjoy seeing a satisfied look on his face and i enjoy being nice? Should i stop buying the girls candies after doing a project together? Because i do enjoy the act of purchasing it and seeing them smile.

How can i stop pleasing people ,because apparently pleasing people will not last, when i enjoy doing it? [in a world full of egoistic individuals and leaders who think nothing about themselves have caused so much destruction, i thought pleasing people is the best way to make the world a more happy one.]

It never ceases to amaze me how tricky human relationships can be, whether they are friends, family, co-workers or lovers. It seems so obvious that if we do all that we can to make those whom we care for happy, then we will be happy as well. Not so. People-pleasing is apparently annoying to people who already like or love you.

Firstly, it is not humanly possible to be responsible for everyone else’s happiness – we can only be responsible for our own. Secondly, is that if we depend on something or someone outside of ourselves for our happiness we will wind up bitter and empty as our time begins to dwindle away.

Problem is, when you chance upon this realisation, it is madder than hell.

“To the outside world, people pleasers are those people that put another person’s needs before their own. They are extremely generous with their time and are very loyal friends. They would never say or do anything to hurt your feelings and are generally well liked by everyone. There are some people who fit the description because they are just really nice people.

However, people pleasers act this way because on the inside they feel that no one would love them if they have a different of opinion or do not agree all the time. They suffer from the fear of loss, the fear of rejection, fear of feeling lonely and isolated.They also suffer from feelings of insecurity and think that they are generally not as important as others.”

People pleasing is a personality disorder. Can you believe this.

i have absolutely nothing to say.

ahhhh… ive not met her for the longest time ever. and catching up with her over coffee was a nice affair. =) i shall not say much about it but im glad she’s doing very well.

oh, thanks dearest shawai for the drinks.

Post Script: some people are shallow and when i chance upon such people i cant help but feel sad for them. it’s depressing to see such educated beings display such odd and absurd theories about other countries. these are the people you call idiots. it makes it even more embarassing when you are in the same working environment with them.

The long and cold corridor of the Indoor Stadium which stinks.
it was a good weekend, where i got to rub shoulders with the idols. [and get paid as well. how cool no?] =D

i saw ALL of them, face to face, some offered chips, jonathan even said hello straight to my face. i tried so hard to be cool and managed to whimper a weak hello. ha ha ha ha. not tt i like him but i go crazy when i see people from TV.

BAGS

and more bags…

so we had to fill up the 17000 [or more i think] goodie bags. honestly? i think the goodie bags are pathetic. there’s nothing in there that’s worth keeping. my fingers are sore from tying and untying rafia strings, getting papercuts from the pamphlets and postcards and my thunder thighs received a pretty good work out.

that’s because i had to climb up and down the flight of stairs to prop a goodie bag on each seat. do you know how many seats there are in the indoor stadium? not a few, that’s for sure. plus, we had to make sure the goodie bags are of the same height [which is the weirdest demand i have ever heard in my entire life.].

on top of which, we had to spruce up the seats and do countless of spot checks to make sure the floors are free of rubbish and strings and whatever nots. [and smell hady mirza.]

i got to see the show before anyone else. heh. saw it so many times i kinda got sick of it.

they came to rehearse alot of times.
i was so close to hady, only a metal barricade was separating us. i would have said good luck to him, if only he wasnt wearing shades in the theatre, cause then i wouldnt be able to make eye contact.

but jonathan is sure better looking in real life than on televesion and his hello is sooooo suave…

plus plus plus, one of the dancers’s my teacher.
my GP teacher from PJC who is uberly cute.
he came to me during his break from rehearsals to give me chocolates. waaaahhhh….

today? for the results show? he was wearing a police uniform.
i nearly peed in my pants. how hot is tt?
seriously?

man…

do you know that dancers are good in bed? i read it off somewhere.

the bed is their stage.

with him, i would do the tango… the salsa… the cha cha.. the hip hop.
i would even be game enough to don a nurse uniform to pair with his police one.

ahhh…. my GP teacher is one hot dancer.

and for the record rinny? he is not gay.

Post-Script: school’s such a bore. i think i was too tired to function at full gear.

Siglap food

worked today at telok ayer. super busy. i think cause it’s friday and we do attract alot of the men who go to the mosque that’s directly opposite the shop.

in the morning i got so pissed, so i shall vent it out.

rayyan had an outing with the school to a fish farm so the school bus was not going to pick him up. i had to drop him off at school in CCK at 9 in the morning. which means i had to wake up at 7. which wasn’t an issue. so dropped him off happily in school, went back home to catch an hour of so of sleep, which wasnt successful. [the boy has this theory of either sleeping half an hour or 2 hours. anything lesser or anything more will result in you getting more lethargic. another entry, another time.]

left house at 1045 to go to shop. mum called, got catering, needed me there early, so i dropped off at CCK to take a cab, cause i was already on the train then. the stupid cab driver tried to trick me. i swear to god he thinks im an idiot. he brought me halfway around the globe before reaching telok ayer. i did asked him why he travelled this way and he still dared to tell me it was the shorter route. god, any more of his nonsense i would have started a tirade of profanity.

cab fare so bloody expensive can! 18 dollars you know! my god, thats like from my place to sham’s place in tampines! from CCK to telok ayer, 18 bucks! can you believe it???

nvm, reach shop? rice not even ready to be sent for delivery! imagine my horror.

nvm… i’m patient. [shut up boyfriend. he laughed so hard when i told him i am. i am you know. tsk. adam can vouch for this. i think.]

then during work. my god this lady pissed me off. but let’s not go there.
in the end i had to wash the dishes cause there was not enough manpower.

left at 2.30. went to the boyfriend’s place, gave him lunch and i soaked myself in the bathtub. been sometime since i did tt and it felt so comforting…. got candles lit up all….

and of course,star wars after, we’re already at star wars episode 3. which failed miserably cause we only wacthed it half way. so we have to go rent it out again.

the love scenes btw padme and anakin is so corny. they should hire me to do the script for tt part.

but honestly ah, getting interesting you know. since episode 1, i kept wanting to know who’s darth vadar. how come i keep hearing him then never appear. suddenly episode 3 they come and tell me it’s padme’s lover. waaaaahh….. and padme’s wadrobe is amazing.

she wears pearls to sleep. how comfortable right.
she changes every 3 minutes. i pity her make up artiste.

ok, then i zonked out. no sign of life in me. heh.

woke up and headed for dinner. at siglap. have i mentioned how much i love siglap? i do…

i dont know lah, maybe just me, but everytime i go there, i swear i can smell the sea. hmmm…

we had dinner at coffee club express.

calamari rings for starters.

i had prawn pesto

the boy had slipper lobster linguini

Then we walked to haagen daiz for dessert. we had cookies and cream, macademia nut and summer berries and cream with caramel drizzle and banana toppings. =)

and home it is.[ i love car talks. =)]

i should head to bed cause i have a job tmr.

keep smiling readers. =)

YouTube-ing quite fun ah. haha.
though i have ran out of videos to blog about, i found this one. heh.

the reason why i didnt join Singapore Idol. =P

God, it takes a whole load of courage to go on that stage and belt out a song. [and load this video up.] [[Rinny, do not laugh. sheesh.]

this is social suicide.

The topic was, “Surveillance is a fair exchange for privacy.”
so yeah, sham only took the last minute or so. =)

Sham secretly took a snipet video while i was doing my impromptu speech during the finals. =)
Just been too lazy to upload it via YouTube until they called me again just 2 days back to do an emcee stint for this Citibank thing in November if all goes well. i think it’s going to be awesome. heh.

had vegetarian steamboat with the girls just now. =)
thanks for the treat yah girls?
and the lovely purple feathery pen which i wont use during lectures cause it will just grab attention. he he he he.
ill use it at home k, i promise. =)
but thanks, it’s lovely.

we ate too much.
that potato chewy stringy thing. [by far the only vegetarian dish that i adore. shen's mum tried to cook a dish with it for me and shahidah. =) thanks aunty!]
broccolis… mushrooms…. seaweed… cabbage….corn…. more chewy things… spinach… ahhh…

im bloated. we had ice cream after. and i dropped sha and shen off at Clementi.
we had a girl talk in the car and that was nice. =)
shen, everything’s going to be fine k? just suck it up hunnie. you know yourself best, you should know where to draw the line. i’m always here. *hugs*

then home it is.
as for now, im going to stare at my hammie’s cage and see them run on their newly purchased wheel till i get bored and jump onto the bed.

goodnight readers.