The fight.

BIG MONSTER = ME

Case Study:

S picked me up from work yesterday and we had grand plans for the night that would make both parties happy (extremely). We had dinner first and on the way to execute this grand plan of ours, S teased me slightly about an issue that saw the glimmer of light over the weekend. Being tired and angsty, I started nagging and ranting about my ideologies and beliefs regarding the said issue. Armed with my verbal scalpel, I lacerated all his come-backs. S noticing it wasn’t going to end very well, tried his level best to appease the situation and deviated from the ‘issue’. Not wanting to lose, I continued badgering him till I got so fed-up.

At home, the oral massacre continued. S tried many ways to calm me down but I refused to back down. I became indignant and vomited a bucket full of attacks on him. I started crying and in the midst of antagonizing myself, dripped mucus and tears all over him (still talking). S gave up and stopped hugging me. I continued the lingual wrangle alone. S ceased to entertain me. I then felt rotten, rolled around in bed and asked myself over and over again what a big, mean monster S is. I managed to eventually loll off to sleep at 4.30 in the morning.

I was highly stressed from communicating with dimwits from SMA and having thoughts of failing the 2 papers, I chose to inflict it on my partner. Being a boy, he dropped me a text in the morning to make me feel better but not very smart with his choice of words. I replied this with a barrage of texts that made my thumb rather numb.

Question: What should this displeasing woman have done?

a) Controlled her emotions better and give up the fight when S attempted to appease her in the car.

b) Stopped her verbal diarrhea at home when S attempted again to appease her.

c) Talked about the things affecting her at the very beginning instead of blowing up on issues that are bound to make a volcano erupt.

d) Known when to stop (cue: when she started to wrap all past issues in a sequined bag to whack it senselessly on S.)

e) Been more understanding and attempt to be the person S wants to be with.

f) All of the above.

To my defence, kills the whole plot of feeling rotten really, i have been very bothered the past 2 weeks.

• First and foremost, SMa is really testing my patience. They have tested enough and had to endure several blasts of “Lydia-emails”. Getting whimsical replies annoys me like you wouldn’t imagine. My blood has boiled so much it’s in the curdling stage.

• Secondly, the series of high fever I’ve been experiencing (twice in 7 days). Hovering at 40deg and getting photophobia is extremely scary. Being asked to go for a blood test to determine it’s not meningitis or a viral infection is beyond scary. It has come to a point where I am just waiting for the next wave of attack. Severe pharyngitis succkkkssss.

(during the fight, I should have just reminded myself how patient S was during this period. Bought dinner, skipped tennis, wet toweled my burning head, fed dinner, bought cooling tea, accompanied me to the doc, picked me up from work, endured my whining and whole list of other irritating things that comes with being sick and frustrated.)

• Thirdly, the week where my skills of regurgitating is being applied and tested. I’m not burning the midnight oil but it sure is occupying a huge chunk of my brain. Very draiiinnniiinnngggggg……

Still.

Those are not excuses to badger your partner. No matter how indifferent or reticent he is.

Riddled with guilt, I sent him a text and apologized like a sorry pussy cat. He replied a while later (still not smart with his choice of words) but I realized it’s not worth a fight.

I look up to my parents’ marriage and have attempted to disect it down to the tiniest grain. What works, what doesn’t. What to avoid, what to use. I unknowingly impose this on S and I and expect him to miraculously understand where I’m coming from.

I fail to realize S and I are new at this and we have our own canvas to paint. We have our own paintbrushes and palettes filled with amazing bright hues. We can look upon our parents to learn from their mistakes and to adopt what works but we should never make those our background colours. That is up for us to decide.

Occasionally, we have chosen the wrong colours and mixed up our paintbrushes. But it’s ok because botches on our canvas will just make it unique and produce one that we can call our own. We will one day hang it up and display it proudly. At the end of the day, it’s all about cuddling and laughing with one another on these botches. What doesn’t break you will make you stronger.

“In a marriage, you pick and choose your own battles.” – Ana Ow